Silentium Amoris, O Kung Paano Ako Nasupalpal ng Isang Thank You

Patawad, Oscar Wilde. 

Pero patay ka naman eh. So okay lang. Life ko naman ito. 

_______

Ilang beses kong binalak
Sa pagbukas ng bintana ng Skype
Na sasabihin ko sa yong
Mahal
Kita.

Sa Ingles -- I love you.
Dahil di ka nakaka-intindi ng Pilipino.
Lengwahe man o
tao,
puso,
sentimyento.

Nag-igib ako ng lakas ng loob kung
paano kami mag-igib sa Paranaque
Ilang araw kaming magtitiis na walang tulo
Salok-salok sa bilang na balde
Bawat patak, importante
Dahil kapag wala na, paano na?
Aalingasaw
Ang katawan
Ang kaluluwa

Kaya ako rin, nag-ipon ng kompyansa
nag-praktis ng mga salita
Dahil alam kong magdurugo ang ilong ko
sa pagpapaunawa sa yo
Kung paano ako naglakbay
mula sa disyerto ng kalungkutan
at nakita kang parang talang nangungusap
sa langit ng internet.
Kung paano ako nabighani
Ng iyong mga kwento
Ng iyong halaklak
Sa aking walang patid na gabi

At nang dumating na nga ang pagkakataon
(Pinatapos ko muna ang kwento
Tungkol sa sariling disyerto ng mga Arabo)
Umawit ako ng pag-ibig
Kahit sintunado
Kahit nagsasara ang lalamunan
Isang piyesang nag-iba sa inensayo
(Nung nakita kitang walang kibo
Sa nagbubuhanging kwadrado
Ay nag-improvise na ako)
Sa bawat kataga'y tumatagas ang lakas
Pero sige pa rin
Tuloy pa rin
Dahil sasabog naman ang dibdib ko
Kung kinulong ko ang Mahal Kita.

Hindi ko hiningi na mag-I Love You ka rin.
Sabi ko Wala Akong Hinihintay na Kapalit

Pero baka nasabi ko yun
Dahil nangingiwi ako sa hiya --
Nung nagladlad ako ng damdamin
Isang Tenk Yu ang sinukli

Thank you.

Sing-ikli ng band-aid
Sinsakit ng Salamat Pero Di Kita Mahal
Sinlamig ng Hindi Kita Type
Di Tayo Bagay
Ano Ka Hilo

Bituin Ako
Tubig Ka Lang

Thank you na lamang

Nagtupi ako ng binulatlat kong feelings --
Nagsilid ng pag-asa, at nagtabi ng pag-asam
Sanay na sanay na ata akong magkula
Ng kahihiyan
O rejection
Kahit ba balutan ng good manners and right conduct
Ang nakaka-hiwang pagtanggi
Dahil side effect ng paging tao,
Tinatablan pa rin.

Keep A Sharp Eye

Unfortunately I missed writing last week's blog. I don't remember what went on last week, but I think laziness had a part in it.

I've just met up with some colleagues of mine from my old work, and it was refreshing to have an engaging conversation on striking out on your own. If you're curious, one owned a dog hotel, the other owned a Chic-Boy franchise. The 4th element, the lone boy, was still with the company where we all used to work, and still enjoying his stint has an expat. I still came away still unsure of my future (but in all honestly, who has absolute certainty about their own future?), and still craving for clarity as to the direction of my own business, but it sure helped that struggles are part of the process, and eventually, if I believe and persist in my vision, it will all come to fruition. (I love rhymes.)

In the Freelance Camp I attended, one advice which I found useful was the mantra "Focus". Which means, I should avoid spreading myself too thin in moments of panic. Panic attacks are not infrequent to freelancers, I guess. Whether we get a paycheck or not in the current month is always a question, and spells the difference between paying the rent and being homeless. I'm fortunate to have some luxury ... I've saved enough, just enough, to tide me over while I explore an alternative career. I must be careful to fend off tempting activities (i.e. "raket") that don't support the journey. Well, for as long as my savings can support me.

It would probably be good to focus on this year to hone the craft, and to be updated on what the trends are, and possibly to find my own voice. It is an art, videography. There should be space enough to express myself while fulfilling the client's needs.

That's this week's reflection. Now, off to edit this monstrous video.

Failing to Succeed

I've recently viewed the latest campaigns from my last corporate job. It had felt like a lifetime ago, even if it were just 4 months since I've been gone. Because of the long leadtimes, the campaign has just been launched, and I'm pleased that some of the original ideas (while I was there working on it) still pushed through. It helps that my replacement is talented and gutsy, and I know she'll go very far in her career. Anyway, going back to that campaign, I was smarting a little bit while I went through the printed material... it brought back memories of frustration at work, where I couldn't see good results which I could be proud of. I felt I couldn't be successful at what I was doing there, and my heart wasn't in there anymore. The fire had gone out. And I wanted to go home. And so I did. I quit.

Everybody goes through some major Epic Fail Moment in their lives. (If you haven't had one, there's one coming soon, don't you worry.) Mine was quite recent, and I'm still cringing at the memory. The thing is, since I've turned a new chapter in my life, I'm afraid of failing once again and so soon, and I'm pushing myself to do things I've not done before. Pushing to be out of my comfort zone. Pushing to not give up. I want to be consistent with what I'm doing, either with the writing or with the videography... and to cut myself a bit of slack when things go awry. I am a newbie, anyhow, and being one means having a tremendous amount of patience and determination. And insight, yes, we newbies need to make good use of insight. So that we don't go blundering the way we once did.

Which is a good thing I came across this article from Adweek (one of my favourites; not only does it make me ad-smart, it entertains me as well).

____

On other things I've been keeping a schedule of daily activities -- Monday is for exercise and paperwork, Tuesday for video-editing and research, Wed for blogging, etc. I wanted some sort of routine to follow... I don't know, for discipline, maybe? I guess it's from all the years of keeping a calendar that I'm not used to floating around with nothing specific to do on a certain day. Helps me give a sense of accomplishment too, I think.

I haven't been well behaved in exercising on days I have to (my arthritic feet are my excuse; yes, I know, I'm too young for arthritis, but that's what uric acid does to you), as well as the fiction-writing day which is every Thursday, but I've done well on the others. Anyway, everyday is a chance to be better.

See you next week.

PS On the video front, I am excited to have been given a wedding video to edit. It's a good challenge and I'm learning a lot, especially on what NOT to do with cameras when the bride is about to walk down the aisle. (I didn't do the camera work on this, I'm just the editor) I'm giving this all I've got and I hope the client would be extremely happy with the final product. Yes, let's aim for EXTREMELY happy.

Sweet September

Ah, September, sweet September.

Nothing like a Ber-ended month to set you off on life's path. Very positive vibes. Well, better than August... August was like dipping your right arm slowly into a barrel of feisty electric eels, then pulling your arm back up, only to immerse into a pail of vinegar. Weird scenario but you get the scenario. We had a week long floodfest in the Metro. Then I caught Viral Exanthem, which is a good name for a scifi   character, but not very good as a pastime. Then some low points... without a job I keep thinking what my parents could be thinking (theirs is the only ones that matter, I think; not sure if I should be thinking it that way, but for now that's the way it goes). They're worried for sure. But I guess Dad, he's thinking Dad thoughts. He's thinking I should have stuck it in my soul crushing job where I had lots of moolah. Only he's supportive enough not to say it to me. I guess he thinks I'll come round. Or maybe I'm wrong, and he thinks he believes in what I can do. Even fearfully.

I'm getting used to not waking up to an alarm clock, so lately I switched on the alarm clock to get me to rise at 6AM. No success so far, except that time I had to leave early for a shoot. I hate wasting the morning... it should go to long walks and reflection and doing something productive. Like writing. Or cleaning my closets.

Oh. Something good came from August.

I finally met my pen pal of five years for the first time. Can't tell you everything that happened that day, but, it was both surreal and fantastic. A day to remember. I wished I took videos. It would have been a very good episode on a TLC show.

So, how's the video thing?

Finished most of my training. Now hunting for opportunities to apprentice. Or practice. Actually, I did have a good opp last week to practice camera work. A friend let me in to her company's employee sportsfest. Very fast movements and somewhat dark lighting. Tested my ability to judge what lens to use and how fast I can change them on my little camera. First time to work on a tripod which another friend lent me. Looks like I can survive with a tripod. Also was a good chance for me to see how the pro videographers pace the floor. I observed that their B-roll cameras has a certain technique, which is to SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT and EDIT LATER.  The thing with that approach is that you end up with an obscene amount of footage that you dump. I wonder if the b-roll thinks about the composition? Or maybe he's already experienced enough to just play it by ear? Anyway, with the amount of footage he got, I can only imagine the pain the editor has to go through.

I was viewing the footage since last week and I seem to get better. I still suck, but not as much. The thing I need to get fixed is the audio though. I can't afford to buy a lavaliere-sound system at the moment, but I guess when the time comes when I need them, I can rent and consider it in the costings. Okay, la-di-dah. Boring stuff, I know. But I want to put down what I'm going through. It's a process. It would be awesome coming back to this, assuming I'll be greatly improved in the (far?) future.

Another lesson learnt is to always show the client a rough cut before publishing to the world. A meeting before anything is executed between client and vendor should always happen to agree on the mood and tone. Common sense that. But it didn't happen in this case, because I was doing it as a personal project to a friend. Anyway. Water under the bridge. Spilled milk. Charge to experience. La-di-dah.

What am I looking forward to this month? WELL that's a good question. I've recently acquired a secret video-editing mission... and good lord a paying client! At last! Maybe I can afford to buy another SD card. I think I gave him a very good quote, considering the other pros are charging the same amount for a 3 to 4 minute piece. Bueno mano discount! I can't wait to get my hands on the footage and start editing away. I just hope that my Final Cut Pro won't let me down!

Other than that, I'm gathering some more pro bono work. The next one is a friend's son's birthday party, and potentially (though I'm not sure yet) a promo vid for the parish church. Yeah, lot's of freebies for now. Ang tawag dito ay bigas na kakainin. Este, portfolio building.

I'm just glad I'm able to do what I'd wanted to set out to do while I was eating fish and chips along Manly some months ago. I feel that the goal is still a long way to go, but I also feel that I'm getting there. Slowly, yes, but getting there.

July

I've just spent the last 20 minutes thinking of a title for this post. I settled with the month. That should be enough.

On other things, much of the time since the last post was spent on all sorts of stuff, but frankly not enough time on writing. I feel there's a huge boulder blocking my brain to do writerly things (i.e. write stories all day), but when I come to start doing it, I always find myself fighting off distraction and not succeeding.

For example: much of my time is spent cleaning. Cleaning my room, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the new extension, etc. I have also taken to organizing everything I own. (My room had been turned upside down in the last few months, you see; renovations around the house had scattered my belongings all around the house. I'm only just 80% done with retrieving everything.) I would start opening a Word document, and then I would notice that I don't have any place I could tack my notes to. This would then trigger a trip to the supplies store to buy a corkboard, then painting it myself so that it matches the walls, then waiting for my dad to do the drilling for me (he wouldn't let me touch the drill), and finally to pin my notes to the board before deciding to try to write again. But not before I can sharpen each and every pencil with my new mounted sharpener...

Apart from being a clean freak, I've busied myself with taking courses on videography, as a way to prepare myself for a life away from corporate as I know it. The classes so far have been well above my expectations, but to be honest, I still need to psych myself to go out there and immerse myself  in that world. I also need to toughen up when it comes to buying the gear already, and it's no joke spending a huge chunk of your life savings on it, not knowing if the risk will be worth it. What makes this a more difficult decision for me is that when I start spending the money already on camera and software gear, it's as good as committing to a new life.

Anyway, I'll just have to stop worrying. Videography is just part of my storytelling journey -- first in print, then audio, and in the near future, film. I guess it's inevitable! Haha!

Ah! I also got my student driver's licence just this week. I promised my Dad that I'll take up driving lessons once I return to Manila, and that's just me making good on my promise. We're still debating on which driving school I'm going to for now.

On the writing front, like I said, not so good. My past submissions have been rejected, and I'm struggling on how to salvage those rejected stories. I still think there's good meat on them, but not good enough for editors to chew on. There's also the issue of my clunky phrasing, which I thought I got rid of. Now it's paralyzing me when I write; as if I've lost my voice. The strange thing is, this happens only when I write in English. When I write "privately" in Filipino (and when I say privately, it just means I had not intention of getting them published), the words flow out of me. But I guess it's also because the what I write in Filipino are journal entries, hence more free-flowing.

*

I love that I get to see my family everyday. This is what I am most thankful for. And for that, I am happy.

  

My Anyare Post

The Girl from 34 from Elyss Punsalan on Vimeo.

I told myself I don't need to explain anything to anyone, as not everything that happens to me is of great importance to The Universe. However, there is one thing I need to have, before I can move to whatever's next, ... and that, my friends, is called closure.

So, as you can see, in a post not so long ago, I packed my bags to seek my fortune in a new continent.  I was optimistic, hopeful, dreamy, ... even found myself singing a Disney princess song. When I reached Australia, I was even more enthused, because if you have never been there before (as I had when I first arrived), you'd be gobsmacked with just how stunning the country is. The landscape, the men, the art scene, the theater events, the fact that everything worked, and again, those beautiful men... My fascination increased exponentially by the day.

Unfortunately, there were things that didn't work out. Looking back, to be honest, work played a major part. My homesickness compounded it. The fact that I lived alone, truly alone for the first time, made it unbearable. This was where I discovered that my family and friends were the glue that kept me together through all the stress and heartaches in the past. It took a few months of living in a foreign country to confirm what I had suspected all along when I was just a junior and travelling for work, which was --  I am not a fucking island. I can't ever be alone for a long time.

(I know that some of you have survived, even enjoyed, being on their own in a foreign country, especially in a progressive one, and that's great! But I suspect that there are others like me.)

I had thought about sticking it out for two years, or even a year. Or changing employers. But I didn't think I would be happy continuing the same line of work. I had also thought about looking for a partner there... but something felt wrong about settling in Australia permanently. I had also been neglecting personal goals, and surprisingly, neglecting them more in the new environment than in Manila (where it seemed there were just too many things to do).  There was nothing to gain, I thought, by prolonging the agony.

And so, I made the difficult decision of leaving a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and headed back to Manila. (Of course I didn't leave the country without savouring the delights that Sydney offered.) If you know me personally, you'd know that I am one who doesn't decide on impulse. You would also know that I am very practical person, too practical sometimes that I had chosen paths because they're safer from financial standpoint, and not for the right reasons. What you probably wouldn't know is that a lot of the best decisions I had made in the past, like taking up writing, were based on gut-feel. The decision to leave Australia was rash and impractical, yes, but I believed, deep in my heart, that it was the best thing to do. I trusted my gut. It told me that things were going to work out. That I shouldn't worry.

Even before I arrived, I knew I was going to happier with my family in polluted, dangerous, politically immature, gates of hell Manila than in sweet Sydney.  And I was! and am! I don't regret working and living in Oz because I would never have realized what mattered to me most.

It still bugs me, to be frank about this, when people ask me why I returned, and why after only a few months. (I still remember being affronted by this Pinay I've just met a party who, after being told by my friend that I was heading back to Manila for good, scoffed and said, "You're crazy!"). It is harder to explain the validity of FEELINGS than, say practical things like getting a better job offer or getting redundated or someone  back home is sick and therefore needs to be taken care of 24/7.  When asked now, maybe I should just shrug my shoulders and quickly change the topic.

It was easy explaining to family and some close friends as they were privy with my goings-on via skype and viber while I was still abroad. It was tougher to explain to friends who mattered to me who weren't at all updated until the very last minute. At one dinner out, they were silent as I babbled on, and they were careful when it was their turn to speak, and they expressed (somewhat) that they were, of course, supportive... but it was painful to see disappointment in their eyes. I knew that they rooted for me when I left, and they had wished me all the best and happiness for my new adventure, and this made it harder for me to explain myself (even when I didn't have to). I felt like I had failed my friends who believed in me, and I wanted to redeem myself so that I wouldn't feel like a wimp each time I went out with them. Of course, I am probably overreacting at the situation, and I know these friends of mine had already forgotten about the whole Leaving Oz episode and immersed themselves in other more relevant things... Still, part of me says I want to be worthy of their company, and that I have to redeem myself in some way.

I won't redeem myself by applying for another overseas assignment, that's for sure. Not for the moment, at least. I need time to work my way through things that make sense for me. And for now, I'd just have to stick to the plan. This plan, you should know, is already a mutant version of my earlier Grand Plan; actually I should really just call this a "working guideline", as based from recent experiences, life is fluid, and we sometimes need to go with the flow.

SO, there. Closure. Sort of.

Let's Do a Gaiman - New Year Benediction